Im all alone and I need you now...

I've changed all my passwords so they wouldnt remind me of you. I try not to think about you by keeping myself as busy as I can possibly be. I've hidden all of your clothes and pictures.....and yet....you seem to creep into my mind through every song, street, tree, car, or computer that I come in contact with. This is the hardest thing that I've ever done. I know it will be better for me in the end....maybe better for us because if God brings us together again we will be so much stronger than before. I'm busy trying to find myself...but it seems like everywhere I try to look I only keep finding you again. Most days I can get through. Your face appears in my head, I push it to the back of my mind, and I have to keep moving through my day. But today....oh, today...today is one of those days. I woke up feeling like I should be in your bed. Like you should be driving me to school on the first day back from Spring Break....like it was every other break before this one. We'd wait until the last possible minute to get up from each others arms...drag ourselves out of bed, scramble for clothes, and drive to school. And now....well..today, that was not the case. There might be a reason I cant get you off of my mind. I'm ignoring my feelings and I know it. If you knew you would be giving me lectures on how Im the shrink and I know better than anyone else that I need to cope before I can move forward. I can just picture you asleep in bed...comfortable as ever, warm in your white tee shirt...but you're missing something aren't you? Yea, I know, me too.

And if you want to cry, I am here to dry your eyes, and in no time youll be fine....

This is a week of transition. Not for me but for a few of my friends, so its all around me. I think the only thing transitioning in my life is my pay period as of Monday....

My best friend is currently moving out of her house to live with her boyfriend, as we speak. Why are you not over there helping her you ask?! Well, I had to get the oil changed in my car BADLY. So I aske my husband to do it so that I could save a little money...NOT. I figured it would be cheaper this way but boy was I wrong. He ended up spending about 50 dollars on just the oil, the filter, and whatever else you have to put in there...and then when it came down to it he couldnt get the screw off of the pan (or whatever) to drain the oil...so 5 hours later hes going off to buy a new screw to put in there since they managed to take the old one off but wont be able to put it back on. (thats another few dollars btw) So shes over there moving on her own. Hopefully everything is going about as smoothly as possible. Shes an only child and her grandparents and mom are....attached, to say the least. Shes going through a transition that I couldnt bring myslef to go through when I graduated high school. Granted, she just graduated college but still. I couldnt bear to leave my mom and my little brother....just thinking about not being able to see them would drive me to tears then. Her situation is completely different though and Im sure she'll be able to see her family as often as she wants since she will be in the same city. But when you think about the amount of change that goes on just moving from one house to another, its overwhelming. Im sure after the homesickness wears off, and the grandpreants get used to not having her around, and the dogs get used to each other and to thier new homes, and her and her boyfriend get used to seeing each other every day, everything will be fine. Shes going to go through the transition and adjust very well. Shes pretty strong. And in the end, she should know that her family and friends will love her, no matter what. Im here for you always, and you know that, so talk to me! (and yes I know youre reading this because youre a blog stalker :] )I still cant even picture myself moving out to be with J. I love him, but thats a WHOLE lot of change for me. I have it pretty good at home, and sometimes even just being here all weekend I get homesick. But when the time comes, Ill be ready :)

On the other side of town another friend of mine is going through the opposite transition, a break up. Note that it didnt happen yesterday, but its still hard. Its been maybe a week or so. And she found out that shes pregnant. What a knife through the heart. Now shes not as close to me as my other friend but I still want to be there for her if she needs me. A baby is another HUGE transition, but I know shes also strong and she will be able to handle it wonderfully. Shes a very good mother already and maybe God will bless her son with a little sister. Babies change your life so much. You almost have to stop caring for yourself, to care for your baby. Especially if its just you. Money has to be re budgeted, rooms have to be redistributed or shared, time, patience, work, doctors, clothes, toys, pampers, engery, phew! I hope that she knows that her friends and her family will be there for her, just like they have been before. The ex is not being helpful, but maybe he will come around and be civil at least. Emotions always make people irrational. But if youre reading this, remember to 'live and let die'. Because as much as you want the relationship to go on living forever, maybe God has a different plan for you and you have to just let it go. And if you need to talk, you have my number and my facebook address.

Im here for you both. Just in case : )

Here comes the sun....

So summer has officially begun! *Excitement* I was planning on starting off my summer with a night of roller skaiting with my favorite kids BUT the RAIN had to ruin our trip.....its supposed to be MAY FLOWERS not MAY SHOWERS dammit. oh well.

Schools out which is why I have the time to sit here and wirte stuff I WANT to write instead of writing about the inner workings of the brain...I have Rocko on my lap (BIL's dog) nad im clickity clacking away on the keyboard. feels good. Theres a lot going on this month. A few friends of mine are graduating, my favorite kiddo is having a birthday that IM taking charge of since her "guardians" are not putting forth any effort, and my dads birthday is in about 15 days....joy.

Dont get me wrong its not that Im not caring about the actual birthday part, (he wouldve been 50...i think) but this day constitutes another trip to the cemetary. Sucks huh? i know.

Hopefully I have a good summer. The ever constant battle to get thinner continues, the "other" kids come in to the club, and I get to turn brown again! hopefully....trip to the beach is in the works.

Anywho...what should i do for my birthday...yes im planning it already. shutup.

Time keeps passing by, you're not here, I feel so all alone when I dont have you near

So up until recently I spent my weekends with my boyfriend. I get my clothes and stuff together for a mini vacation at his house. Well a while back he got laid off and rehired after a few weeks and they put him on a new schedule. Now hes working Saturdays. yay -.- . Well I was barely getting used to it and he gets laid off and rehired again, so I got used to having him on Saturdays again, just to have it ripped away. And its HARD, and I keep waiting for it to get easier and its just taking its time. Now last week they let him know that he was to work Sundays too. That was definately not going to fly with me, and he knew it. So he talked to his boss and let him know that Sundays were off limits. Well they "worked around" it. So now hes working 12 hour shifts all week except for the days hes off. So the schedule is off Sunday-Tuesday, work 8am to 10pm Wednesday - Saturday. So you may think, well thats not bad, hes off half the week....yea sure, great. BUT Im not off those days. So I get the short end of the stick and I only get to see him once a week. IT SUCKS. So Ive been going through a kind of roller coaster of emotions because I feel like I never see him, so I get upset. And I get upset because Im upset because I feel like Im making him feel like its his fault. Well through all of this hes being very supportive and I know inside of me that we love each other. But I cant figure out anything to do to make myself feel better. (If youre reading this thinking 'typical woman', just shut ur face ok) This is hard for most people to understand A: because they see their other half during the week or B: they arent that serious.

Now Sundays are normally spent in bed watching cartoons and spending quality time, or doing whatever errands/activities that are needed to be done. But one day just isnt cutting it for me. What bothers me in addition to all of this is that since hes off on Sundays and Mondays he can drop me off at home and go out afterwards. This also sucks. Its not that I have a problem with him going out to be with his friends, but he stays out all night and I feel like Im stuck at home. I do not go out like this, ever, which may be the underlying reason. I do go out on Thursday evenings for a few hours for dinner and drinks with a couple of friends, but I am definately not out all night. Also, on Staurdays, when theres no work for anyone the next day, he wants to stay home and play video games or just be in bed/at home. I understand that hes a homebody but if this is the only time that we have to do anything fun then we should take advantage right? I think what Im feeling is that he can go out with his friends and stay out all night but when it comes to doing things with me he never wants to. I dont think its very fair. For example: Today was Easter, he agreed to go to church with me (hes not catholic) and I was happy! But my family wanted to do something with us and he didnt want to. And its like everytime my family wants to do something with us he doesnt fell like it. But if his family calls and asks us to go over were there within the hour.

I dont know what I am supposed to do except to be patient. Patience and communication has always been big in our relationship so I have to just keep pushing through. We have two completely different upbringings and we are used to different ways of doing things and I think that this has a little bit to do with the way that time is being spent lately too. Also, school is taking up a lot of time, which school is pretty good at...I frustrate myself trying too hard to explain it and I just get more upset. And Im pretty sure hes getting frustrated with having a bipolar woman around. Im happy one minute and the next Im upset. Its as difficult for me as it is for him because I am not normally this emotional. Its pretty exhausting.

So anyway, here I am, Sunday night, 1230 in the morning and hes at his friends house again. What I keep asking myself though is, do i want him to just be at home bored? Well, in a way yes. When we first started dating he was very at home. He hardly ever wanted to go anywhere. And now that he is going places, its not with me. I think that is probably the main thorn in my side. Hes not with me..... So is it work? or is it his going out? or is it both? or is it something else? I HAVE NO IDEA! and its so frustrating. I almost feel like I cant even talk to him about it because I get all emotional and he feels bad, and that is definately not what Im trying to do. Im trying to help him to understand....but how can I when I dont even understand. This is a really difficult point in life for me.

On the plus side, I heard a service today on television about the ressurrection of Jesus. Its message was patience and keeping faith. When Jesus died everyone felt like it was the end of the world. But he kept his faith in his father God and was revived after three days. Point is, if you keep your faith you will get what God wants you to have. If Gods plan for you is to be a doctor, for example, and it feels like its never going to happen, if you keep your faith and speak positively instead of giving up, God will finish what he started. God planted a seed in you, and you have to water the seed and wait for it to bloom.

So Lord, I am patiently waiting for my seed to bloom. I know in my heart that it will. Hopefully it will be soon! : )

“T to the A to the S-T-E -Y Girl, you’re tasty.” Thanks, Fergie and will.i.am, a whole generation of kids will now misspell “tasty

Ok so its been FOREVER since Ive written. Busy as always. Im about to get off from work and I just thought Id all a lil somethin somethin. Ive been taking this Child Psychology class at school this semester, and since I work with kids Ive been paying a little more attention to them lately. Well that class may be about right for little kids, but who studies the teenager? (In that ever monotone, all too familiar Documentary voice)The modern teenager in it's natural habitat should not be approached too rapidly or with any sign of adult activity or responsibility....
These kids and their youtube videos and their non spelling selves. Seriously, grammar is dying a slow and painfully torturous death. When I read some of their notes or their facebook posts or myspace updates its depressing. For example:
jSt ChilliN At dA CRib!tiNkiN bOUt WAt tO dO MANANA!lOlZ
W.T.F. See also:
Hmmm, good dayy. Hopeee tomorrow goes well!:) New pictures, text ittt?
Mood: Goodddd:) Goodddd:)
oooookkkkkkk lllliiiikkkeeee iiisss eeevvveerrryyyooonnneee hiiiiggghhh? -.-
See Also:
ii love mha babesz patricia, carlos and adam dhey mean dha world to me nw dhere goes mha family.iim going to stay one deep bby.

Ok so you get the picture. Seriously, who came up with this?! and who went along with it?! Seems to me like kids are getting dumber. Theres still hope for the little ones....but then again I was reminded by a friend of mine of a scary thought. The kids that I see running around all day, THEIR PARENTS ARE MY GENERATION! Oh Lord, send help. And I keep telling myself, since the husband and I have been talking about our "future", I will read to my kid WHILE IN THE WOMB to prevent the stupification of the world. No, stupification is not a word, but at least it has more than one syllable and is spelled correctly.

To add to this ridiculousness, the famous people are doing it too! And I can be pretty sure that none of you have noticed.....
Ex:
If I lay here / If I just lay here / Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
LAY is for objects! People LIE down.

When you cheated girl, my heart bleeded girl.
Justin, just because you're one sexy mofo doesn't mean the English language will change just for you. You could not have bleeded. Its bled Justin, bled.

Can you handle me the way I are?
Well, I.R. Baboon, no I can't.

Seriously people, grammar saves lives. Case in point:
Let's eat Grandpa!
Let's eat, Grandpa!
BIIIIIG DIFFERENCE.



On another note. I skipped school today. Oh, the irony. I stayed in the warm bed safe from the pouring rain, snuggling up to my husband who never seems to be cold. Ever. It was pretty nice to have a day off. Ok, half a day, but still. We got up around noon and he decided to make me lunch. : ) gotta love him. Cant wait to get a house with him so he can cook for me all the time! muahahhahahahaha! By the time I ate and cleaned up a little bit it was time to come to work. OH BTW! My boss got fired. That shall be another post though. : )

Thats all for now I guess!

It always seems to be a Monday, left over memories of Sunday always spent with you

Ok so I was supposed to have a meeting this morning at 7am. 6:30 the alram goes off. snoooze. lol. no, well I slept an extra few minutes and then got up and proceeded to wake everyone in the house up. (The puppies were already awake -.-) So im rushing to get dressed and getting my brother up and mom up. These people are so slow....my brother takes 20 minutes to put on his socks and shoes because he INSISTS on weatching tv while he does it; and my mom can never find any shoes even though we have a million different shoes roaming around. well of course we get out of the house at exactly 7! so im rushing to school and out of the car and at the same time im trying to call people to find out where the hell the meeting is....ugh. well I walked around the school to look in the usual places for our meetings and.....NOTHING. so Im getting kinda pissed because no ones answering thier phones....except one person who said the meeting was in the library (it was not) and finally I get a phone call. Its the president of our chapter.
Hello? you called?
hey wheres the meeting?
ohhh its not today....
WHAT.
ohh you didnt get the emailll?
um no.
*note* the Last email we got did not confirm that the meeting was going to be changed. It only asked if ONE person could go on Wednesday. It never said..ok were moving to wednesday...blah blah. No. besides its ONLY one person!
ohhh i sent out an email that asked how was Wednesday for everyone because Oscar couldnt make Tuesday.
umm when?
ohhh you didnt get it im sorryyyy.
um ok i got the email but it never said we were changing the date.
ohhh yeaaaa.
ok bye.
bye

OMFG D@*#%!*(@^$(!@#^%&*(^!@#$ I WAS ROYALLY PISSED OFF. If you know me, you know VERY well that I am NOT a morning person. Just this weekend I slept till 230 in the afternoon. So I have to go through this whole routine again on Wednesday. Ive been considering dropping this organization because of who is in charge.....its beginning to sound better and better. This is really ridiculous.

on the bright side, it is a beautiful rainy day today. i love rain. Its so wet. lol. It makes me want to sleep. AND it means here comes the damn cold weather...ugh. Im not a big fan of winter....its waaay too cold for me.

also. my phone network has been down for days....thats Tmobile for you. but I wouldnt change my company. Theyre not that bad. But I am going to call and complain so I can get some kind of credit charged to my account. 4 days with no internet!? ugh, how am I supposed to talk to my husband on msn?!! Someone will pay for this....

ok I think Ill do that now before the wait gets too long....


Test today, gta study a lil.


and theres only 2 more days till my baby turns 23!

and 19 days till my Stephy gets married!!! OMG OMG OMG!!

(which means theres 17 days till I get my day off...muahahahaha)

Help! I need somebody, Help! not just anybody.

Ok I know its been like two whole months almost and Steph has been bugging me to update this but I have been so busy and exhausted August and September just flew right by me!
I started school, day and night classes. So heres how my days pretty much go: 715-alarm, which I repeatedly hit snooze on till about 7:40.
8:15-drop off my mom at work
8:30-drop off Bobby at school, fight the war for parking.
8:50 to 10- goof off. eat. homework. facebook. study. call from mom about randomness. text. wander around.
10-walk to class.
11:15-gym on tues/thurs till 1245-drive to work (on M/W i go straight to work at 11:15)
When-I-get-to-work till about 2pm-more homework. read news. check email. make flyers for HSF. do whatever I gta do.
2pm-start mentally preparing myself for swarms of children in t minus 45 minutes. deal with boss. call from mom.
3pm-kids. chaos. homework. yelling. can-i-borrow-a-nickel!?. running. STOP! QUIET! laughing. talking. call from mom. Miss-whats-the-answers?!. want my cheetos?!. climbing under/over/around tables/chairs/counters. STOP IT! SHUTUP! *begin mumbles...these little fuckers*
4:15pm-Middle School kids. deal with boss. whats volooom.(volume) whats the answer. whats ur problem. can i borrow a dollar (yes they get more expensive with age). want some skittles?!. youre broke. do my homework. deal with boss. i dont wanna do my homework. ill do it at home. Im gna throw ur backpack in the trash! etc....
5-7 moderate quiet. and distraction. call from mom. deal with boss. endless reapeats of the same dumbass songs over and over on youtube. miss this dont work. miss my internet!. miss can you put me on (insert website here). hes bugging me. its too loud i cant hear my music. etc.
7pm-rush out to ride to go to school.
7 to 815-class
830 to 11-eat. bathe. feed dogs. phone.
11-call husband, hang up. wait for him to finish his ufc/chess/warcraft/dbz/fightnight game.
1130-phone. sleep.
Weekend - Sleep till 2, homework, love husband, finish day.
repeat.
so now you see why it has taken me 2 months to do this.
ridiculosity.

and so we are 3 weeks from the wedding.
all hell has broken loose with my poor Stephie and Im not there to kick anyones ass. But shes a big girl, she can take care of her self.

and I have 7 days till my husbands birthday.
AND NO GIFT. usually i have something already wrapped and waiting. no dice. I have no idea what to even get this time. omg. time to panic.

and I have 2 weeks till Stephs shower
and NO GIFT. But i still have a little time for that one. Besides im her bff. thats a great gift right Steph : D....lol

And then theres about a month till Halloween
I have to work on the 30th. extra hours, no pay. Such is this hell hole they call a non profit organization. Its is all a scheme to run sweat shops for no expense. Lots of work, shitty pay. No help.
and my mom and brother will be in Reno for 3 days (10/29-10/31) and I will have to feed myself. o lord.


Help me.